Self-optimization as a mask
Taste as the new intelligence, opulence is back(!), and it's ok to be a bad person.
Welcome to September! Despite what the lock-in police will have you believe, we are still very much in Q3.
I’ve been thinking of my year thus far in eras: Q1 was my “the world is limitless” era — new job, new apartment, etc. In Q2, reality kicked in, and I was all about editing my life: strategically paring down my relationships and day-to-day to model what I thought I might want my dream life to resemble. Now, I’m reflecting on what I’ve been left with and determining if this is getting to be that life, or at least something close.
In today’s roundup, you’ll find:
A reflection on the incessant desire to be better
Required reading on taste as an intelligence signal
One very interesting white woman
and so much more. Let’s hop in.
Self-optimization as a mask
On August 26, I wrote in my journal, “It’s easier to always be working on myself than to sit with the knowledge that I am clingy, imperfect, bored, anal, anxious. What depth might be uncovered in our relationships when we embrace imperfection?”
This musing ties into a concept I’ve been thinking about a lot recently — self-optimization as a means of performing, or of concealing our authentic selves from the world. In a bid to be a pleasure to have around, I realize that I have become overly obsessed with Working on Myself™. Every argument or failure is turned into a three-point plan on how to be less reactive, how to give more grace, how to self-soothe when I am irritable, how to be more patient with my parents, how not to be so upset when my partner forgets our plans.
While it’s absolutely fabulous to be in a continuous state of growth, I also think it’s a way to run from ourselves. Yes — we should strive to be better for ourselves and those we do life with, but if we’re always on the journey to a greater self, we miss the opportunity to revel in who we are today.
Is it also perhaps a form of narcissism? This episode of co-regulation addresses addicts in recovery pursuing self-optimization to the extent that it becomes its own kind of addiction — you cannot feel good about yourself unless you’ve worked out and eaten a salad and written in your gratitude journal for the day. In the era of fitness trackers, productivity operating systems and optimal sleep rituals, I fear that the hacking of self is spiraling out of control.
Where might this obsessive drive for a better self come from? Instagram, for one. I now routinely delete the app because I was beginning to blur the lines between my real self and my idealized self. My therapist talks a lot about data in our sessions, and the importance of being receptive to signals from our bodies. I posed this concept to her, and she said —While recognizing these signals is important, it’s equally so to filter where your body is getting that information from. For me, the practice of deprioritizing social media has been instrumental in strengthening the antennas that help me sift through the bullshit and decide what feedback to internalize.
In addition, perfectionism is kinda…bad for relationships. A couple of weeks ago, I listened to this episode of The Diary of a CEO where two scientists explored the impact of AI on our brains (spoiler alert: AI is not necessarily the enemy, your unwillingness to interact meaningfully with it is), and they mentioned that an alarming number of teenagers are developing intimate relationships with AI characters through platforms like Ripple, where they bond with perfect algorithms that never say the wrong thing or upset them.
Why bother with humans when AI is always available to listen to your dry jokes and text back? Here’s why: struggle strengthens our brains. It’s basically the same scenario as you only learning to bring a jacket for “just in case” after you forget to (even though your mom advised you to), and end up looking like Bella Swan in all the family dinner photos. Fucking up inherently makes us better people (most of the time).
Clippings 📎
Lately, I've Been...
Reading 📚
⭑ This insane Vulture article that covers two divorced writers who have written multiple books on the rise and fall of their relationship. I listened to Hannah Pittard's (the ex-wife) memoir, and it was a poignant recollection of grief, disappointment, infidelity, and just about every issue that plagues modern relationships.
⭑ The stunning Vogue feature of Temi Otedola and Mr. Eazi’s wedding. There’s nothing more fulfilling than when rich people rich right. Opulence is SO back!
⭑ A couple of articles on taste: why taste now signals intelligence, and how to curate your brain’s inputs to subsequently refine your taste. Speaking of which, you can read the last two episodes of my series Good Taste, here and here.
Watching 📺
⭑ Documentaries. In the past month, I have seen releases like Amy Bradley is Missing, Katrina: Come Hell and High Water, and Fit for TV, which were all incredibly produced. At the risk of sounding like the friend that’s too woke, I can’t help but reflect on the goriness of the misfortune-as-entertainment media complex.
⭑ Hunting Wives. I think you should see it. There is a very good chance you will hate it, but you will definitely be entertained. Initially, I wanted to say that I hate the recurring and usually false trope that gun-toting, church-going conservatives are secretly gay, but what do you know — they sometimes are!
⭑ Sharmadean Reid is one of my favorite women in business, and she’s launching a Cleopatra-inspired shower oil brand named 39BC. This video she posted on the world she’s built around the brand is literally one of my favorite pieces of content I’ve seen this year. How BIG BRAINED of her.
Listening to 🎧
⭑ Gwyneth, the biography by Amy Odell. I can’t help it — I am one of the millions of American women who find Gwyneth Paltrow intriguing. From consciously uncoupling with one of the biggest artists of our time, to starring in this fantastic remedial ad for Astronomer, to running a company for almost two decades that has never been profitable, she’s a pretty interesting white lady. She went to the type of kindergarten class that taught meditation ffs; she was born for this life.
Obsessed with 🤩
⭑ This Kai Collective jersey. This was my first purchase from Fisayo Longe’s brand, and it sparked an unbelievable amount of joy from the moment I unboxed it. 100% knitted cotton in a classic vintage 70s style. *Chef’s kiss*.
And that’s a wrap! See you next time…👋🏾
Really loved this! I’m not on social media much, so this article has definitely open my eyes to the idea of self optimization as a mask. For me it’s like a type B person finally seeing the inside of a type A person’s mind 🕵️🔦
I love this. I also agree that Instagram is a huge factor in the obsessive drive for self optimization. Limiting my use of the platform helped me focus on my real desires better vs desires borne out of something I saw on my feed.